No Bully For Me

This is not my favorite thing to talk about.  In fact, I don't like to talk about it at all.  But it was such a large part of my life as a kid and it still is to this day.  Not because I am currently having to endure it, but because of the scars that run deep to my soul.  I am talking, of course, about bullying. 

It wasn't the kind of bullying that you see being portrayed on television or the movies.  You know, where the half-witted big kid, surrounded by his cronies, pick on the much smaller, geeky kid for his lunch money.   No, this was much more sophisticated and cruel.  It was, in a sense, psychological warfare.


You know the saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"?  Whoever first said that was either lying or much stronger than I.  I think back then I would have preferred sticks and stones.  At least those wounds heal.  I, unfortunately, still carry around those scars that I received so many years ago. 

It started in elementary school and continued into high school.  It also started with just a select group of girls, but at times, became a universally organized effort.  I can't pinpoint exactly what they were doing to me, it was really a combination of things.  They would call me names, pull my hair, prank call me at home, pick me last in gym class.  It sounds silly now as I write it out, but at the time it was torture. 

I was short and skinny, with knobby knees and a freckled face.  I had frizzy, wavy hair that often had a mind of it's own.  I was smart and awkward and timid and too kind for my own good.  All I wanted was to fit in, to be accepted.  I tried everything that you can imagine to get them to stop.   I tried to laugh it off, tried acting like it didn't bother me, tried ignoring them and I even tried going to the teacher about it.  Nothing worked. 

I was miserable a lot of the time.  I had trouble falling asleep at night, my mind racing about that day's events and worrying about the next.  My grades began to slip and I was sick constantly.  My parents didn't know how to handle this.  They tried to be supportive in their own way, but my parents are not warm and nurturing people.  Late at night, after my parents had gone to bed, I would lay on the floor next to their bed, desperately trying to find comfort in their proximity. 

That image brings to mind something that I saw on Facebook the other day.  It was a lesson that a teacher taught to her 5th grade class.  A lesson on bullying.  She handed out a piece of paper to each child and told them to ball it up and crush it, stomp on it, and smash it as much as they could.  Then she asked them to try to smooth it out.  She asked them to try to get it to look like it did when she first handed it to them.  The class soon realized that it was impossible to smooth out every wrinkle and crease.  She told the class that the piece of paper represents a person.  And the act of balling the paper up represents bullying.  The act of smoothing the paper out represents an apology.  And no matter how much you try to smooth things out, no matter how much you are sorry for the things you say, that person is scarred permanently.  I can picture that crumpled piece of paper in my head and it reminds me of that shriveled little girl curled up on the floor of her parents bedroom.

I'd like to say that I am a strong person, a confident person, a well adjusted person.  I'm good at making it look like that on the outside.  And I admit that I am a stronger person, a more confident person then I was years ago.  But I'd be lying if I didn't also admit that I still struggle with the same insecurities that plagued me as a child.  There are days that I have nasty flashbacks that bring me back to all those feelings and emotions.  And now, I have a child of my own.  And not a day goes by that I don't worry about my daughter having to endure what I went through as a child.  But one thing is different.  I know that if she does have problems, I will be there for her.  I will be her rock.   I will make her feel safe and wanted and accepted.  She will not be alone.  That is a promise.

Twilight vs. Twilight

This post delves into the vast differences between the Twilight movie and the Twilight book.  If you are a fan of the movie proceed with caution.  You've been warned.

Somewhere I read these questions, "What if Edward wasn't attractive, would Bella still end up with him?"  and "How much of their relationship is based on physical attraction?"  These questions were posed towards fans of the Twilight Saga movie franchise.  Presumably, there were some fans of the books that had read these questions, as did I, but I wonder what was going through their minds upon reading them.  I know what I thought.  I thought, if you have read the books, then you would know that there are no more questions to be asked.  Meaning, the books offer the reader more insight than the movie could ever possibly achieve. 

The movies, although entertaining and somewhat true to their book counterparts, are lacking in the romance and ambiance that can only be experienced through reading the books.  It also helps to reread them again and again as I did to catch things you might have missed the first or second time around.  Ok, I admit that I am a bit obsessed with this series.  I've read the complete series in it's entirety a total of 5 times.  Yes, I know that makes me a complete nerd.  I don't care.  I love the books and there's nothing you can do about it.

Now, back to those questions.  I can totally understand a case to be made that Edward and Bella's relationship is completely physical attraction and nothing of substance.  That is, if you had ONLY watched the movies.  The first movie, Twilight, was in a word...TERRIBLE.  I had such high hopes for this movie when it first came out, but only to have my whole Twilight world come crashing down around me after viewing it in the theater.  It was a disaster, a total and utter disappointment, to say the least.  I have compiled a list of what I think went wrong.

1. They got the casting ALL wrong.  Whoever thought to cast a dirty, disheveled mess of a man as Edward Cullen should be shot on sight.  Ok, that may be a bit extreme, but you get the point.  And as for Bella, she shouldn't be portrayed by a strung out, mumbling stutterer.  Sorry if that offends, but it's just my observation.  Edward should be neat and clean.  Dressed in designer clothes.  He should be tall and lean, but not scrawny by any means.  Bella should be pretty and demure.  She should be thoughtful and well spoken.  AND she should have her hair neatly brushed.

2. The script is awful.  The dialogue between Bella and Edward is almost nonexistent.  Aside from a few key lines that the screenwriter threw in there to appease fans of the books, the dialogue falls flat.  The witty banter that exists in the book, hardly makes it to the big screen.  In the book, that's where you fall in love with Edward Cullen, through his words to Bella.  You hear the pain and torment that he feels because Bella is human and he considers himself a monster.  You hear as he vacillates between wanting to be with her and feeling he has to let her go.  He's NEVER felt this way about any girl before, for over 100 years he's lived without love and now he finally finds it, but he doesn't think he deserves it.  I don't think the movie does Edward justice.  I can see how people think Jacob would be a better choice after seeing the movie, because Edward simply looks like he's constipated all the time.  I know he's supposed to be broody and all, but he's not supposed to be one dimensional.  Bella brings out the dry sense of humor he exudes in the book. And lets not forget the romance.  Edward Cullen says the dreamiest things to Bella.  *sigh*

3. The movie puts too much emphasis on the scenery.  Yes, I've been to Oregon (where the movie was shot) and I know it's a beautiful place, but it shouldn't be at the foreground.  All that time that Edward and Bella spend in the forest, jumping through trees and "talking" with the musical score playing over it, could have been spent on the two getting to know one another.  Thus, the audience gets to know them as well.

Ok, I know I'm not a movie director, screenwriter, or a published novelist for that matter, but I do know what I like, love, rather.  In the book,  I love how Edward winks at Bella across a crowded lunchroom.  I love how she has the only mind he can't read, so he's forced to fumble through just like every other teenage boy in love.  I love how he puts her needs ahead of his own.  I love how he keeps her lemonade cap after she leaves.  I love how he comes to her rescue time and time again, with her being a danger magnet and all.  I love how he is chivalrous and old fashioned in a way that only a 100 year old vampire can.  This list could go on and on, but the one thing I love the most is that he is head over heals, absolutely over the moon in love with her.  He never knew that he needed love until she came along.  She makes him slowly realize (over the course of the books) that maybe he's not damned after all, that he is worthy of love.  Through the books you realize that they are a perfect match.  In the movie, you are only left with the impression that Edward is a creeper.

So, if you have the time and are so inclined, pick up the book and READ it.  You won't be sorry.

Buy the book here...